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It was another hot day in the summer and as usual with it being the school holidays, the sprogs we nagging and running round like headless chickens. 

Now i’m sure as mothers we all know the feeling when we just want to go to the toilet in peace right? Yet let’s be real, this NEVER happens. 

‘Lock the door’ you say?? Well when your 9 year old can unlock it from the outside, whats the point?! 

So here I am dripping in sweat from the heat and running around to keep the sprogs entertained, my heads pounding from the screeching laughter, im achy and I just want to go to the toilet by myself, coz you know i’m a big girl and all that. So what do I do? What we all do, I make up a game to keep them entertained for 5 mins so I can go in peace. 

Now usually this works. But not today folks, not today!! 

You just know when it’s quiet, they’re upto something. 

‘No dont show mammy she will go mad, she doesnt like them’ I hear one sprog say.

At this point i’m thinking they’ve gone and found a spider or something, but nooooooo. Up they come, my 9 year olds hands closed and I just know theres something nasty in there. 

‘We found tail-less Jimmy!’ 

Who the fuck is tail-less Jimmy?! I’m thinking all sorts now. 

I ask her to opening them and grinning like a cheshire cat she shows me. The damn sprog had only gone and brought me a half eaten lizzard!!!!!! WHYYYYYY?! 

What do I do? I cant move as i’m currently getting rid of last nights curry and there she is, lizard in hand cradling it like a doll!! And thats not it… there’s the dog by her feet, chewing the damn lizards tail. 

I can not cope. Not today people, not today!!

So I calm myself, try and speak nice about why we shouldn’t pick up dead animals, especially ones that the dogs half eaten and explain that they need to go get rid of it. 

No, ofcourse they couldn’t get rid of it. They had to give him a funeral… So here I was stuck on the toilet while my kids are outside digging holes in my potatoe patch to give Tail-less bloody Jimmy a funeral. 

Fast-forward 2 hours… 

‘Mammy, i’m just gonna dig up Jimmy incase he’s come back to life’ 

OH HELL NO!!


R.I.P Tail-Less Jimmy 


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