I’ve been putting off writing aboout this as it’s still something I havent quite fully come to terms with. But after recent events I need to vent.
** Trigger warning to those sensetive to talk about fertility**
It’s no secret in my life that I would love nothing more than a baby. Now before I get really into it I should say yes I have 2 children who may not be biologically mine but nonetheless they are mine and I love them more than anything. Yet I cant help but feel so selfish wanting a biological child. I should just be greatful I have children right?? But that doesnt fill that gap I have inside. You know the one, that emptiness that can’t be filled.
Its been around 4 years since me and my husband started trying to concieve. We’ve had all the tests, including me having my tubes flushed. NOTHINGS WRONG. Everything came back all good except for the fact that I dont ovulate regular. No biggie right?? WRONG. So theres a tablet I could take but my DR wont let me have it unless my BMI is perfect. What do you think of that?? There are women out there alot bigger than me that can get pregnant on their own, but because im over a certain weight I cant have help. Oviously I’ve tried to lose weight but doing that with various illnesses and medications that make you gain weight its been an uphill mental battle that I can no longer put myself through.
This honestly makes me feel like less of a woman. Why am I here if I cant even do what women are meant to be able to do?? I feel useless, pathetic, broken, empty, worthless, the list goes on.
Which brings me to why I’m convinced my body hates me. Or some godly force does anyway!! You know what it’s like, you miss a perioid and the excitement kicks in because this could be finally happening. Well not for me. When I actually get round to having a period it’s usually been 1 or 2 months late and every single damn time i’ve done a test aunt flow decides to turn up the next day or so!! Well this time I decided to wait even longer.
It had been 5 months since my last period. I’d had headackes for 2 weeks, the nausea was driving me insane and my nipples were the most painfull theyve ever been. I couldn’t bare to do a test just incase. But deep down I really thought ‘This is it, it’s finally happening and it’s our turn’ even my husband and mother were becoming convinced I was.
A hospital visit for something else ended in me having to do a pregnancy test there. NEGATIVE. My heart broke into a million pieces all over again. 48 hours later and im having the heaviest period in forever. How is this even fair?? How isit every single time I do a test, within 48 hours I have a period?! Coincidence?? It’s happened 8 times now and every time I leave it that much longer untill I test. Heartbreaking doesnt even come close.
I’m slowly coming to terms now that its not going to happen. I dont know how long it will take for me to accept it or if I ever even will. But for now i’m just going to be greatfull for 2 beautiful children that call me mammy in my life that Ive gotten to bring up and get to see grow every single day. I may not be able to give them the brother or sister they want but I can give them the mother they’ve never had. And for now, that’s enough.
Are you going/been through anything similar?? Can you relate to any of this?? Please comment with your stories so more of us don’t feel so alone.
Much Love – Mrs Slee-Jones xx