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I’ve been putting off writing aboout this as it’s still something I havent quite fully come to terms with. But after recent events I need to vent.  

** Trigger warning to those sensetive to talk about fertility**

Photo by Kat Jayne from Pexels

It’s no secret in my life that I would love nothing more than a baby. Now before I get really into it I should say yes I have 2 children who may not be biologically mine but nonetheless they are mine and I love them more than anything. Yet I cant help but feel so selfish wanting a biological child. I should just be greatful I have children right?? But that doesnt fill that gap I have inside. You know the one, that emptiness that can’t be filled.

Its been around 4 years since me and my husband started trying to concieve. We’ve had all the tests, including me having my tubes flushed. NOTHINGS WRONG. Everything came back all good except for the fact that I dont ovulate regular. No biggie right?? WRONG. So theres a tablet I could take but my DR wont let me have it unless my BMI is perfect. What do you think of that?? There are women out there alot bigger than me that can get pregnant on their own, but because im over a certain weight I cant have help. Oviously I’ve tried to lose weight but doing that with various illnesses and medications that make you gain weight its been an uphill mental battle that I can no longer put myself through.

This honestly makes me feel like less of a woman. Why am I here if I cant even do what women are meant to be able to do?? I feel useless, pathetic, broken, empty, worthless, the list goes on.

Which brings me to why I’m convinced my body hates me. Or some godly force does anyway!! You know what it’s like, you miss a perioid and the excitement kicks in because this could be finally happening. Well not for me. When I actually get round to having a period it’s usually been 1 or 2 months late and every single damn time i’ve done a test aunt flow decides to turn up the next day or so!! Well this time I decided to wait even longer.

It had been 5 months since my last period. I’d had headackes for 2 weeks, the nausea was driving me insane and my nipples were the most painfull theyve ever been. I couldn’t bare to do a test just incase. But deep down I really thought ‘This is it, it’s finally happening and it’s our turn’ even my husband and mother were becoming convinced I was.

A hospital visit for something else ended in me having to do a pregnancy test there. NEGATIVE. My heart broke into a million pieces all over again. 48 hours later and im having the heaviest period in forever. How is this even fair?? How isit every single time I do a test, within 48 hours I have a period?! Coincidence?? It’s happened 8 times now and every time I leave it that much longer untill I test. Heartbreaking doesnt even come close.

I’m slowly coming to terms now that its not going to happen. I dont know how long it will take for me to accept it or if I ever even will. But for now i’m just going to be greatfull for 2 beautiful children that call me mammy in my life that Ive gotten to bring up and get to see grow every single day. I may not be able to give them the brother or sister they want but I can give them the mother they’ve never had. And for now, that’s enough.

Are you going/been through anything similar?? Can you relate to any of this?? Please comment with your stories so more of us don’t feel so alone.

Much Love – Mrs Slee-Jones xx

8 thoughts on “My Battle With Infertility”

  1. So sorry to hear the struggles you are going through. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. I think it’s good you are using your platform to share your story and help others feel less alone. Although you May feel like it. You are definitely NOT less of a woman ?xxx

  2. Despite me being a man this is so relatable to me as my wife had similar fertility issues, and she had the same story from the doctors about having to lose weight which is difficult in itself. I know how she felt broken and less of a woman because of it, so I hope it works out eventually for you like it did for us.

    1. Thankyou so much for your reply!! It really is the worst feeling to feel like that, I’m soo happy it worked out for you!!

  3. Hi love… it took me 5 years to get pregnant… WITH help.
    Turned out that my problem was Celiac Disease… because auto-immune diseases can affect your fertility. They set your immune system into hypervigilance, and it removes ANY foreign object (including the implantation of the embryo).
    There was so much trial and error… but today I am the happy mum of a 6-year-old. I never went back for a second child, although the doctors thought a second would be easier, now that they knew what they were dealing with.

    Don’t give up hope.
    Reach out if you need more support.

    1. Thankyou so much for this reply!! I had no idea about the effects auto-immune diseases had on fertility. Im currently waiting on a diagnosis of one myself so maybe that is having a big factor for me.

  4. Aww darling girl. I truly hope it works out for you, please don’t give up hope.
    I’m going through something similar and I can totally relate to the emptiness, feeling useless and less of a woman. It’s such a horrid battle to go through on top of daily life and other illnesses.
    If you ever want to talk about it with someone who understands.. I’m here xxxxx

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