** Trigger Warning – This post will contain references to self harm**
Emotional Dysregulation Disorder or EDD is when someone is unable to control the frequency in change of their emotions. You can be great, laughing, having the time of your life. Then within seconds feel enraged with anger, frustration, sadness. It can be quite scary and extremely overwhelming. Many times i’ve thought I was going out of my mind and that I needed to be sectioned!! That was untill I finally got this diagnosis and realised it wasnt my fault.
For a long time I remember feeling frustrated at how my moods changed so quickly and went from one etreeme to the next. I’d often find myself apologising for ‘shouting’ at somebody when in reality, if I was upset or frustrated my voice naturally got louder without me noticing and would often be mistaken for me ‘having a go’ at someone.
I take things to heart and get emotional over things that the average person would just ignore. Then I find myself obsessing over it!! I often come across as having an attitude problem which upsets me as i’m so down to earth, the thought of being thought of like that is very disheartening.
Growing up was tough. I had so much rage and anger inside me that I didnt know how to express how I was feeling. It often felt like a rollercoster throwing emotions at me in my head all at once. Like how do you process all this?!
I’d often self harm. Daily even. As this was my way of stopping my head from taking over. The slight bit of pain numbed me from my challenging mind. Those few moments of being numb were precious to me. I was back in control of my emotions again. But this had to stop. It wasn’t healthy.
I’ve had endless counselling and therapy which to an extent has helped. But every day is still a silent battle to control how quick my emotions can change. I think at times we often forget that having a mental illness isnt out fault. We can’t help it. But we can help ourselves feel better about it. We go through enough as it is without making ourselves feel worse. I’m still learning about myself every day and looking for ways to learn to control my emotions. All I can ask for is for people to be accepting and understanding towards me and anyone else with this condition. It’s a great burden not being able to control your emotions, so be kind, we may look like we’re smiling, but inside we could be fighting a pretty big demon that day.
Much Love – Mrs Slee-Jones xx